ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE PREPARATION: How to Survive in an Undead World and Have Fun Doing It!
OK, that’s not really true. But when the SHTF you’re going to want a survival guide that’s not just geared toward day-to-day survival. You’ll need one that addresses the essential skills for true nourishment of the human spirit. Living through the end of the world isn’t worth a damn unless you can enjoy yourself in any way you want. (Except, of course, for anything having to do with abuse. We could never condone such things. At least the publisher’s lawyers say we can’t"
Zombie Apocalypse Preparation: How to Survive in an Undead World and Have Fun Doing It! is the first zombie apocalypse survival manual with entertainment in mind. What fun is living in a world of the undead if you can't have a bit of fun? The apocalypse is not just about survival it's about enjoying your new found life. Inside the covers of this book you will not only find the way to pick the right weapon, building, and survival methods but you'll find entertaining ways to dispose of the undead, entertain yourself and your group, and dispatch your former friends and family members with a smile on your face and a song in your heart.
"So here you are, and you want desperately to learn something about the walking dead that you don’t already know. Ideally this new bit of information should prove useful in such a way that may help you stop them in their shuffling tracks. Well we’re aiming to give you just that sort of knowledge. However, that’s going to wait a bit. To start off, we need a bit of basic information. This book is written for the express purpose of aiding those who wish to survive a zombie apocalypse and have fun while you do it. If you wish to actually BE a zombie, just put the book down and go watch some daytime television. If you wish to know how it is that you can dismantle the undead, laugh maniacally, and continue about your existence, then please continue on.
Are we all on board now with the intentions? Excellent. We’ve thrown in humor throughout the book, even when it’s woefully inappropriate, in hopes that the information both before and after the funny stuff will be retained and stick with you when it’s needed most. Sometimes, it’s just to be sick. You’ve been warned. Now… where to begin… Oh, OK how about this; zombies are, for all intents and purposes, already dead. This brings about a few changes, which we’re going to explain so that we all know what we’re going to encounter.
Those infected, once the change is completed, feel no fear of anything. They’re single-minded in their pursuit of living flesh, which they consume, and thereby further spread infection. Zombies will chase down living prey, completely ignoring any threats or necrotic flesh they pass near. Attempting to frighten, amuse, or cajole the undead will gain you very little. Do not taunt the undead; this is a complete waste of time, and you’ll look silly doing it. Assuming, of course, there’s anyone around to see this. The undead will not go directly for the brain; in fact they tend to go for your nice soft squishy exposed fleshy bits instead. The brain thing is a myth, and flesh makes for far easier tearing and ingesting, what without that silly skull being in the way. The consumed flesh offers neither sustenance nor nutritional value, though it is in fact Atkins-friendly. Piling flesh on top of flesh is what causes this to go down into their innards; no actual swallowing or digestion occurs, so normal functions are right out the window here. They will continue to feed until they actually rupture and the consumed flesh begins to spill out of the stomach and/or intestines, making for one big horrible mess. It’s debatable on whether this is better or worse than an actual zombie bowel movement.
Upon first seeing the undead, you may be confused. This confusion is going to stem from the fact that you’re not standing in front of an all-you-can-eat buffet at 4pm, but there are loads of slow moving people moving in your direction anyway. These are not the elderly coming in for the early bird special. Well, it’s entirely possible that it is, and if so, you’d do well to get the hell out of their way. They’re just as slow-moving and deadly in large groups when their senior citizen discount is compromised.
“How can this be?” you ask. Well to put it simply, the human brain is a wonderfully complex and mysterious thing. The human body is controlled by electrical impulses which turn desire into action via signals from the brain. These pathways remain active and open even in death and are still able to be stimulated in such a way as to cause motion in the human body. All these pathways need is something inhabiting the brain that provides the little electrical spark in order to get up and walk again. Given that there are unknowns remaining in almost every part of our world, it’s likely that some undiscovered parasite, chemical, or virus is what causes this expiration and reanimation. For the sake of simplification, we will refer to it as a virus. We shall name it, Horatio because it sounds funny, and the idea of tiny little David Carusos running around in your head making you be all zombie-like is just great. Not really, we’re just going to refer to it generically as an unnamed virus. If it helps, think of this contagion as a little taser that keeps zapping these recently deceased people in such a way as to make them want to eat your flesh.
Another thing about these foul creatures worth taking note of is that they are not subject to exhaustion. The undead require no sleep, power naps, eye resting, or any other form of recuperation. These abominable automatons exist only to feed to no good end other than infecting living human beings. This is considered an advantage they possess over us, and should be treated as such. They will walk, crawl, pound, pull, and hit without end in order to gain access to their target.
A single way exists to end their macabre time on this earth as the undead; that is by destroying the brain. Removing the head will cause the body itself to cease functioning, but the head will remain “alive” and still requires termination. You know those terribly old singers and actors that just don’t want to go away even though they’re so past their primes that they just make you feel sad for them, but nobody tells them that they suck now because they were cool 60 years ago? Well it’s a little bit like that. Ultimately your options are to either physically demolish the skull with brute force, or deliver a fatal shot to the head through ballistic means. “How” matters far less than actual accomplishment in regards to their permanent demise."
About the Authors:
David Houchins was born in Toledo, OH in 1978. He was raised in the city of Houston, TX, and now resides in deep South Texas. His hobby of giving his farts exotic names and personalities led to his passion for writing. He is armed and considered extremely dangerous.
Scot Thomas: Born Austin, Texas in 1973. Grew up in Corpus Christi, TX until the age of 19 when he joined the U.S. Navy. After four years in some of the most inhospitable climates on earth he left the Navy for a job in the South Texas oil fields. Several years later he landed in Broadcast news. Scot has won several awards for his work as a producer. Scot has always had a sense of humor and desire to make people laugh. On January 16, 2010 he and David Houchins founded Zombie Apocalypse Preparation on Facebook. The page now has more than 65,000 fans and is updated every day. The page slowly turned into the first book on survival in the zombie apocalypse all while smiling. Houchins and Thomas are currently working on the second book and have plans for a few other projects.